i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
