Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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