Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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