my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
