my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
