I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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