Don't make out with my wife yet
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
