So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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