Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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