Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
