if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
