This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
