My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
