how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
