u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
