Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
