I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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