What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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