I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize