Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
