I want to walk on stilts...naked
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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