Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Green mimosas i think yes
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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