Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
