Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
