just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
