I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
