Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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