Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
