Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
