dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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