Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
