I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
