you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
