So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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