Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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