apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
