Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
