dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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