and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
