I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I am in a vortex of obligation.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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