I faked an abortion last night.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
two words...techno handjob
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
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