I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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