i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
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