I bet he comes in French.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
