She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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