why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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