May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
My ATM looks so different sober.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Randomize
