oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
