she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
