chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Randomize
