Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
