Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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