I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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