oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
