He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
