I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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